Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Das Bus

*There is a Dickbreath sighting in this blog.

So, for the past two years in Chi-town, I've been a train person. I've picked places to live based on how close it is to a convenient train stop, i.e., not the blue line. Now, I live far from a train stop, but close to Lake Shore Drive, so I can take an express bus downtown. In the past month, I've picked up the correct Bus Etiquette, but it appears some people haven't.

1. If there's an open seat, take it. Don't sit next to me. I know I'm having a great hair day, but seriously, take THAT seat that no one's sitting in. I don't care if there's an old newspaper there. Move it and sit down.

2. Move the newspaper off of the seat next to you. Once you're in that seat, you inherit everything that comes with it. Paper, gum, piss. Whatever. It's your paper now, and you look like an asshole. Ship it.

3. Do you really need to take your5 kids in strollers on the 8:30am bus? Make some fucking pancakes, put on some cartoons, and wait till 9.

4. Do you really need that oversized shoulder bag? What's in there, really? Your computer? You're wearing an thousand dollar suit and taking the bus. Guess what? Time for a smaller laptop, cheap-o.

5. Please, keep hitting me with that oversized bag while we're standing, and pretend like nothings happening, or look at me like it's my fault. Perfect.

6. This one goes to the bus driver- Thanks for driving past my stop when we have a bunch of people waiting, but then stopping at the next one.

7. I hate the last person that squeezes on.

8. Why are you staring at me? Bring a book.

9. I'm not staring at you. I'm looking out the window. Prick.

This is in all caps, because, that's right, none other than Dickbreath likes to break this rule. (for more info on Dickbreath, check out the previous blog "Hate Thy Neighbor"). So, yesterday at 5, I'm waiting for the bus downtown. I wait a good 10 minutes, and right before the bus appears, good old cock face strolls up in his green shirt and tie, smoking his ritual cigarette before he gets on. A bunch of people are lined up, waiting, but not in line like we're waiting to get on some amusement park ride. But we know who's been waiting there before we got there. The bus stops, I'm about to get on, then the bus pulls forward to the stoplight. We all walk down the street a bit, and old Dickbreath comes speeding on my right, and gets in a few people ahead of me. I can't decide if I should just give him the evil staredown when I see him, or ignore him completely.

By the way, the bus we were on broke down twice. I thought we were going to have to get off. I had a funny thought when the bus died the second time, as we were going under the tunnel to the expressway. I pictured Michelle driving by, on her way home, pull over, pick me up, and have dickbreath ask for a ride since we live in the same building...

I moon him as we peel out.

That would have ruled.


JUSTIN said...

I know exactly how you feel. Some people here can't figure out that you let those who've waited longer get on the bus before you. The only exceptions are oldies, preggos, and smelly fucks.

Eli said...

Things are different here in NY. It is not the Midwest and it IS everybody for themselves. Surprisingly this works out because everyone expects you to be a dick so when you are not they smile.