Thursday, September 13, 2007

Hate Thy Neighbor

File this blog under idiots I've encountered.

It's Chicago in September. The last month with a few days of perfect weather, so it's great to walk around on those nights. Me and Michelle were leaving our place, and caught the elevator, already opened, with our neighbor inside. Now, we've never officially met this neighbor, but he takes the same bus that I do, and works in the same neighborhood I do. We even get on and off at the same stop, but we've never spoken. I found a perfect opportunity to change that.

I follow Michelle into the elevator.

ME: Hey man, hows it going?


(He looks right at me. Awkward silence. He looks away and stares at the ceiling. Beat. The elevator doors slowly close. Much more Awkward Silence on the long trip down four short floors. The doors open up. NEIGHBOR gets off first, exits towards the back door, out through parking garage on foot.)


Now, Keith came over a few weeks ago, and asked if we knew who our neighbor was yet. Jokingly, I said we were sworn enemies. Apparently, not joking.

This guy seems totally weird to begin with, but that's just a prick move. All he had to do was acknowledge my existence as a human. "Hey." Even a head-nod, or a smile would have at least upgraded him to a chode instead of total fucking prick that if I ever see him alone in the laundry room I'll throw all 90 pounds of him in the dryer and pop ten bucks in.

Why does this guy hate me for no reason? Then, I started thinking back to all the neighbors I've ever had. I've pretty much hated or been hated by every neighbor I've ever had.

Growing up: Lawrence, KS. Same house for 15 years, same neighbors for as long as I can remember. Our diagonal neighbor behind our house yelled at us every time we hit a ball in his yard. He was that guy. We called him Farmer John because he ALWAYS wore overalls.

Our neighbor directly behind us was a girl in my class. I had dated her friend in fifth grade, denied it to everyone (trying to play it cool), broke up with her (playing it so cool), got back together, and then broke up with her again. They've both hated me ever since. Even in high-school, I never felt comfortable talking to her. I used to hop the fence and hang out with her for Gods sake. Fifth Grade. Everything Changed.

Our neighbor right next door called the cops on us because our dog was barking outside...instead of, I don't know, telling us, since we'd lived next to them for ten years.

In 7th grade, I dated my across the street neighbor, denied it to my friends (I knew a lot about girls), she broke up with me, and we never even waived to each other after that.

In college, it switched from crazy neighbors to crazy landlords, which I'm sure is common. Though, when I moved to Chicago, I had both. A crazy fucking neighbor below us (who called the cops on us 3, yes 3 times in ONE night...for watching TV. Seriously.), AND a crazy landlord that lived in our building above us, who still owes us about a grand.

Now, we have dickbreath. I think I'll poop in a box and leave it in his mailbox.

Anyone else have a good neighbor story?


JUSTIN said...

Ah, old dickbreath. I'd like to meet this guy.

spunkchard said...

I say, at least give him a reason to hate you. Suggestion #1: Next time you're in the elevator together, stand as close to him as possible, but don't look at him. With any luck, he'll begin to fear he's invisible. Suggestion #2: Start calling him 'Jack' and pretend you've been pals for years. "Hey Jack, long time no see, lookin' goooood." etc. This is sure to invoke a fiery rage within him. Unless, of course, Dickbreath's name is actually Jack. Good luck.