Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Eighth Grade Man

It’s occurred to me that a buddy of mine here has been reverting to or has fully reverted to junior high status. I’m actually a bit worried about this. I know the cat is young, a good couple years younger than my brother, and he was not alive during the peak of the Michael Jackson / Thriller era, which I have memories of. Still, this could happen to you too. Lets look at warning signs that your buddy may also be stuck in eighth grade-

1) He is “dating” a girl that he has never kissed.

2) He ditches his drinking buddies to stay home and talk on the phone to said girl (again, that he has never kissed.)

3) When he does go out drinking, he is guaranteed to get a call from said girl and to be on the phone for at least 20 minutes.

4) When he is hanging out with friends and not on the phone from said girl, he is texting her every 14 seconds. By the way, I don’t get this new-fangled “texting” thing. I use the text messages, more so here because I have a ghetto pre-paid phone and outgoing calls are like 30 cents a minute. Still, I don’t converse with the texts under any circumstances. If I have a “text” conversation that requires me to send more than 2 texts in a 10 minute span, I’m on the verge of throwing my phone against the wall. If I have to convey something to somebody else that requires more than one text, I fucking call, cost be damned.

5) He is actively pursuing a long-distance relationship of horrendous inconvenience. The last time this should ever happen in somebody’s life is the girl in freshman year of college who has the boyfriend back home. Everybody knows there are only two results for this. Either she transfers school at the end of the year (or more likely at semester break) or she cheats on him and they break up. Yeah, this isn’t junior high here, but by sophomore year of college, the “long distance relationship” types fall off the landscape. And at least those freshman year girls lived in the same town as the boyfriends in high school, they didn’t actively pursue someone who lived out of town from the get-go. Like I did, in junior high. Or like my buddy does now. I’ve literally chosen not to call girls I’ve met here because they live in a neighborhood that requires a subway transfer.

And, on the non-girl tip:

6) He is trying to organize his friends to talk shit on a buddy’s Facebook “wall,” (by the way, I don’t like Facebook, it seems like the official social networking sight of 13-year-olds to me) which seems pretty much like the classic junior high girl style slambook. (and yeah, I’m aware of the vague irony of making fun of my friend on the interwebs right now, but it’s my fucking blog, not his “wall” that I’m doing it on, and also, you’ll notice I haven’t mentioned any names).

7) He is currently reading “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.”

So yeah, I’m annoyed I guess. I am looking forward to his moving on to tenth grade. At least then he’ll have a later curfew and we can talk about “The Catcher in the Rye.”


Aaron said...

There is no excuses for this inapposite and inexcusable behavior. Of course I have know others who have never kissed long term girlfriends, who have said no to our friend alcohol for a girl (This I never understood), and so forth. Maybe this individual will come to his senses at some point. I has been my experience that these “eight grade men” will generally at some point realize the folly of there ways and reenter manhood. Then again maybe not. Your buddy reading “The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe” is really the most disturbing aspect of this situation. That issue must be addressed immediately! No grown man should subject himself the foul stench of CS Lewis!

Joe Kickass said...

I kissed a girl once. It was cool.

Katz said...

Holden rules