Saturday, July 26, 2008

Birthday That

In honor of Dr. Kickass now being in the rock star death age, and for the sake of stealing jokes and getting back on the blog horse, I'll share what I did on each July 25th (or thereabouts).

1981 - Stopped being an only child, moved down a peg in my parents' esteem.

1982 - dreaded the impending move to Lawrence, as I had three girlfriends at the time. Plus, they were like 9 or 10, and I was 4, so I was pretty awesome. Seems I peaked early.

1983 - Went down to the creek with Daniel, had a couple beers, smoked some weed.

1984 - Caught what remains as the only fish I've ever caught in my life.

1985 - Watched my cousin cry because she got 7-Up birthday cake instead of a vastly inferior theoretical pink cake.

1986 - Wore a Royals Championship hat and a Bears championship shirt most every day. My sports teams were bound to remain relevant forever. See 1982.

1987 - Immediately refined and improved my headlock technique, so as to avoid any future golf club related incidents.

1988 - Re-read the Sports Illustrated "Oh, Danny Boy!" issue for the 437th time.

1989 - Bought an 8 bit Nintendo, took it to Michigan, and killed 89% of the vacation indoors playing Ninja Gaiden and Rush N' Attack. And I'd do it again.

1990 - Mowed the lawn. As I did maybe 4 times a week that summer in my glorious quest to save up for a 13 inch Toshiba TV. It seemed I was brilliant at saving money. See 1982.

1991 - Rocked out to Janet Jackson, MC Hammer, and C and C Music Factory. Good times.

1992 - Shortly after leaving Indiana Beach, spent $30 on a ring for some girl. It remains the most money I've ever spent on anybody for any reason.

1993 - Beat my brother at Mortal Kombat in the Indiana Beach Arcade. I was the only one to do so who was not nicknamed "The Legend."

1994 - Created a needlessly complicated plan with my brother to have him play lookout on the driveway in the guise of shooting hoops so that I could sneak a girl into the house.

1995 - Road trip to Chicago, my first big one. Went with Daniel. Kicked off the trip by going down to the creek for a couple beers, and to smoke some weed.

1996 - Also hit on cousin's friend. It didn't work out. The video, by the way, is somewhere in Balto.

1997 - Wasn't in Seattle in July of 97. I don't know who Joe Kickass was hanging out with. I was staying up until 7 a.m. every night playing Chrono Trigger.

1998 - Working at Kwik Shop. For some reason, I was egged.

1999 - On the verge of finishing my Internship at Entertainment Tonight, on the way to a well deserved vacation in Mexico. My ability to open a beer with a lighter would never be the same.

2000 - Called in sick to work in order to perfect a game that required bouncing a ball off of my coffee table and my walls in a certain angle and order.

2001 - Living in Florida and working for the Devil Rays. If this was a good night, Boston or New York were in town, and I made $50 in tips pouring Chardonay for cougars that relentlessly hit on me, then spent every penny of my tips at Ferg’s sports bar. If it was a bad night, then I drank water all day after not working for 8 days and spent the evening listening to Loveline on the radio - whilst drinking more water, my only calories of the day.

2002 - Driving from SF to Hollywood, where I would drink Yeltsin Vodka with my buddy Mike. In the midst of a four-month, 22,000 mile road trip.

2003 - Did a roady with my brother from Emporia to Balto. Spent the night in Kentucky and West Virginia. the first time I’d slept in either state. The hotels in both required my brother and I to provide documentation that we were in fact kin. Rode the Beast at Kings Island, perhaps the best roller coaster ever, and Son of the Beast, perhaps the worst roller coaster ever.

2004 - Shortly before the 25th, was at Indiana Beach with my brother and Njoroge. Saw Obama’s speech at the Democratic National Convention. Even when drunk and watching on replay at 3 a.m., it was awesome.

2005 - Went to Joe’s (semi) Kickass party at Holiday. Hard to judge the funness degree as the drunkest person there.

2006 - Upon recently finishing my lucrative position in the retail explosives industry, I embarked on a career in the exciting world of food delivery driving. Also, applied for some job in Korea, though figured fuck, it Japan’s where the real action is.

2007 - Diligently involved in the process of finding a flight for my summer vacation. Ultimately, I buy a ticket to Thailand

2008 - Diligently involved in the process of finding a flight for my summer vacation. Cebu? Manila? China? Vietnam? Cambodia? Taiwan? Hong Kong? You’ll know shortly after I do.

Anyway, happy birthday, Dr. Kickass. Enjoy being old. I could recommend a good brand of canes. You’re only 1 year short from being as old as Stong was when I met him, which makes me roughly 1,000.

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