Monday, February 9, 2009

The Grammys - Live (on tape)!

I have no knowledge of current pop culture in America whatsoever, so I’m watching the Grammys and ripping off Bill Simmons and writing about it as I do so. Of course, I’m not completely nuts - I’m no idiot, as they say - so I’m doing it with the assistance of a DVR and cheap bourbon. On with the show, as they say...

Not surprising... I’ve either never heard of or never heard a song by several artists that are introduced in the opening, such as Carrie Underwood, Jonas Brothers, Taylor Swift, Miley Cyrus, Sugarland, and Kenny Chesney. Of course I’ve heard of, say Miley Cyrus or Jonas Brothers, but I haven’t had the thrill of actually, uh, listening to them. I have a feeling I’ll be skipping ahead when they are on stage.

U2 starts - and play a song I’ve never heard before in my life. Bad news for how out of touch I am if I don’t know U2’s new single. Oh no, Bono invited Whitney Houston on stage. She isn’t having another comeback is she? Bobby shoulda finished the job...

Boyz 2 Men were nominated? Them, Whitney, U2 so far... maybe I’m not so out of touch. Whitney looks coked up as hell, which was pretty fun. Acceptance speech - time to fast forward.

The Rock has a name now? What the fuck? Is he the host? Or are the Grammys still going no host like the last time I saw them? (In maybe 2003 when I had no cable.)

Now Timberlake. Man I used to hate that guy. I guess he won me over on SNL. No attention span though, I gotta akip ahead.

Yep, no host. These things need a host, they just make it go better. I don’t need some guy I’ve never heard of from some CBS show I’ve never seen introducing Coldplay, or anyone for that matter. Get Arsenio on the phone, he’s not doing anything, and he could host the hell out of an awards show.

Coldplay’s still on. We’ve only had 2 artists and 1 award, but already already a lot of God. I hope Obama doesn’t make it cool for liberals to go churchy.

Carrie Underwood is boring despite dressing slutty, but her blonde guitar player chick is really hot. She needs more camera time. Nice, she got it at the end.
Christ there’s a lot of different “lifetime achievement” awards given out.

Hey, Andy Williams is there! Is Branson closed?

Song of the year 40 minutes in? Sweet, show’s over. I know, I know, it’s the award for songwriters, blah blah.

“Please welcome a double nominee tonight - Kid Rock!” I went away for a couple years, I assumed when I got back he’d be gone. That fucker stole a line from Minor Threat in this song! Amen? God damn it. I’ve heard this awful “singing sweet home Alabama” song, marking at the first of the night that I’ve heard before, and I heard it in trashy Florida bars. No surprise I guess. More whiskey.

Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift performing together. I missed it, went for a smoke. Sure I coulda paused, but...

Yay, John Mayer lost something. That’s like watching the Broncos or Missouri lose - just fantastic.

Jason Mraz - I’ve still never actually heard a song of his. I presume I won’t like it. Some chick from CSI Miami too. CBS has the worst shows.

Ah, so this is the Jonas Brothers. What the fuck is Stevie Wonder hanging out with them for? Guys who have a successful band yet still can’t get laid have no business sharing a stage with Stevie. This is cruel, CBS. I want to fast forward these Jonas fags, but I want to watch Stevie. Virgins. Huh huh huh. These guys have tons of money. Couldn’t they at least get whores?

Craig Ferguson with the first funny joke of the night - 90 minutes in.

I kissed a girl. Didn’t we have a song called that like 3 years ago? Or maybe 13, I’m old. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I’ve heard this song before too - probably in a titty bar. Boo, she didn’t even kiss a girl, and I watched the whole song - the first time I’ve done that all night.
Kanye’s rockin’ a mohawk-afro-mullet. It’s awesome, but really only Billy Dee Williams can pull that off.

I’ve never heard of Adele. You’d think that when going on the Grammys, she’d spend more then 11 bucks on a haircut. Wow, that was bitchy. Is watching the Grammys turning me gay?

Kenny Chesny - prepare to fast forward. I like country alright, but I still can’t get into the new stuff, and I have a hard time taking anybody that is under 60 that wears a cowboy hat seriously.

Record of the year - isn’t that the big award? For the artists? It’s early. Robert Plant and Allison Krause win. Real people that I know, I guess, though, of course, I’ve never heard the song.
Tribute to Dean Martin followed by Queen Lahtifa and then some pregnant chick that I presume is famous wearing a mesh shirt - this isn’t helping in the turning me gay department.

Paul McCartney coming up - I was about to skip it until I heard he’s gonna be joined by Dave Grohl. Dave is, obviously, a few notches above Ringo on the drums. Wait, that’s it? They hype McCartney and Grohl all night, and they just play one song - and a 2 minute song at that? They get half the stage time as the preggo chick in the mesh shirt? I hate the Grammys.

Jack Black in a goofy hat and some dude. Apparently he is a bass player named Charlie Haden, and he’s giving yet another lifetime achievment.

Oh no, Kid Rock vs John Mayer. Nothing good can happen... Fuck! God I hate John Mayer. At least he thanked Micheal McDonald. Every speech should thank Micheal McDonald. Keep it smooth... not shitty (Youtube Yacht Rock, it’s awesome)

More whiskey. This Adele and Sugar-whatever duet is really long, glad I spent it having another smoke.

Radiohead. Again, a song I don’t know. I’m that behind. I’m gonna watch this. Wow, at USC, even the marching band are meathead douchebags.

Sam Jackson is the first likable presenter. Couldn’t he have hosted? Or, again, Arsenio. Watch the tape of Arsenio hosting the 1990 MTV awards - you can’t go wrong with Arsenio hosting. In fact, I may have that tape, and I need something to do tomorrow...

Ah, some suit. FF. Then, Smokey Robinson. Wow, he was available? Yet another lifetime achievement award. Oh no, Jamie Foxx and his brother are going to do the Four Tops. This can’t be good. It’s not. Jamie Foxx manages to sound exactly like Jamie Foxx impersonating Jamie Foxx.

Neil Diamond! Yet, they have him do Sweet Caroline, like his worst song, especially given the Red Sox implications. Stupid Fever Pitch. Thanks again, Jimmy Fallon. If I ever have the opportunity to kill you, I will. I will stab you in the throat. Try not to laugh while I do it. In the mean time, Neil is kicking ass here. The man can put on a show.

Wait, now they’re doing the dead people thing, and they LEAD with Carlin? The fuck? The audience wasn’t prepared to clap yet. He should have been last. Any year one of the top 3 Americans ever dies, the Grammys should put him last in the montage of dead guys. The father of Christan rock also died this year too. I bet Carlin is kicking his ass in hell.
Lieutenant Dan/Dr. Kickass’s buddy comes out, repping yet another shitty CBS show.

Why is Lil Wayne singing with the guy from Office Space?

Ah, now I finally get to hear this Plant/Krause song that’s sweeping these awards. Sounds like obvious Grammy bait so far. It’s okay. I’m not downloading it yet. Now a change. It goes old school, 60s garage riff going on.
And they win Album of the Year. No surprise. As for me, I only bought one album this year. It was the last Foo Fighters, in Singapore, the only time I saw a real record store in 2008.

Wow, the Grammys end on time. Only 3 and a half hours, and I got through it in under two. Well, not under two drinks, but that would be punishment.

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