Thursday, January 7, 2010

Video Games!!!! (and al queda)

This is the 145th post here at Nintendo is Right, Nascar is Wrong. I figure its finally time to talk Nintendo.

First, I want to talk about terrorism. Fucking hell. When will this plague of inconvenience end? Yeah, I understand, lives are at stake, blah blah, but I’m a person that plans his week around crossing the large street in front of my apartment as few times as possible. If I run out of water in my apartment (the tap water in Korea is not safe for human consumption) then my solution is to guzzle soju until I pass out rather than the unconscionable burden of taking an elevator down 6 floors to the convenience store on the first floor.

Some brain dead horsefucker tries to light his shoes on fire, now everyone (well, everyone in America, not so much here) has to take off their goddamn shoes before getting on a plane. A couple of goat rusty-tromboners try to make some asinine liquid based bomb in London, and now everyone (here too) has to smuggle toothpaste like a drug mule. Plus, we get the added perk of paying $4.69 for a fucking half liter of water should we become thirsty past security. Now, some derelict Cincinnati-bow-tier of manatees decides to attempt to blow his dick off over Detroit. Great. I can’t wait to see what ridiculous security procedures become permanent now. I hope it’s the only logical one - banning pants on airliners. At last that will save me the trouble of taking off my belt before going through the metal detector.

Anyhow, Nintendo. Plus, for the hell of it: lists. I should have done lists last week for the decade thing. Everyone does lists for that sort of thing. I’m a sucker for lists. I spent the whole of December 26th hungover, indoors, and reading end of the decade lists. It was easily a top ten day.

First list - top 10 video game systems:

10 - TurboGrafx 16 - in late 89 or early 90, my buddy Wiley got one of these, with Bonk’s Advenure, of course. It was the first time I had ever seen a 16 bit (4th gen) system. The graphics in “Bonk’s Adventure” was the most amazing thing I’d ever seen in my life at the time. Unfortunately, I believe the unit that the good people at TurboGrafx sold to Wiley was the only one they ever sold.

9 - Xbox 360 - I never owned one, but it’s a solid system. Dr. Kickass got one the week they came out, so I had access to one for several months. Microsoft got the controller right this time, fixing the most glaring error of their original machine.

8 - PlayStation - again, I never owned one, but Dr. Kickass had one in the later days of our communal existence in our childhood home. It upped the ante on a number of titles that ported across systems, and it exclusively held the divine Final Fantasy VII.

7 - Nintendo Wii - the first of a shitload of Nintendo products on this list. Like the others I’ve mentioned, I’ve never owned a Wii, but its an obvious game changer. My local bar sports one, and it’s a great excuse to talk to girls. It’s also nice to get the experience of playing tennis while staying indoors and drinking beer.

6. Sega Master System - it makes the list and the more famed Genesis doesn’t. Why? Two reasons. Wonder Boy 3 - The Dragon’s Trap is one of the best video games I’ve ever played. Plus, Joe Montana’s Sportstalk Football was revolutionary. “And they line up for a punt on second down and I. Can’t. Believe it. It’s a fake!” In the many, many times that my brother -er- Dr. Kickass and I played each other in that game, we never once called a conventional play. It was all halfback passes and flea-flickers and fake punts on second down for the computer announcer’s reaction.

5. Nintendo DS - this is my newest system. I never had a Game Boy back when, and I was never really a fan. Yeah, I beat greyscale Super Mario Land, but shit was hard on a one inch screen, even for Old Eagle Eye here. The DS rules. The games look fantastic on the small screen, and it has tons of awesome titles.

4. Nintendo 64 - The N64 was thoroughly crushed by the PS1 in sales, it had a clunky controller, it clung to cartridge technology well past its time, and before the rabid success of Wii and DS, it seemed like the beginning of the end for Nintendo. Why is it number 4? The 64 was the exclusive realm of three all-time classics. Mario 64. Goldeneye. Ocarina of Time (and Majora’s Mask, which I’ve determined is the better game upon recently replaying both). Each of these changed what video games were, what they meant to people. I got solid grades my sophomore year of college, but I spent far more time perfecting my 007 game than studying for any given class.

3. Super Nintendo Entertainment System - the 16-bit king. Sega never came up with anything graphically like Donkey Kong Country. SNES also sported my pick for best RPG ever - Chrono Trigger. If there’s a game I’ve spent more hours on (lifetime) than Chrono, then it’s Tecmo Super Bowl 3. Like Dark Side of the Moon and the Wizard of Oz, Radiohead’s Kid A matches up perfectly with Tecmo Super Bowl 3.

2. PlayStation 2 - It was the coin of the realm forever. I don’t think any other console was dominant for so long. It was the exclusive (at first) and best platform for the eternal sixth gen Grand Theft Auto games. It was the only game in town for playing God of War or Final Fantasy X.

1. CD-i - the largest machine evar... obviously, I kid here. Number one all-time is obviously the Nintendo Entertainment System. The NES is the best possible argument against anti-trust forces. The NES was, essentially, a monopoly. Its only competition was the Sega Master System and the Atari 7800, and the only person I knew in real life that bought these systems was my brother. He didn’t own them at the same time, he bought an Atari, it broke in a week, and he traded it in for a Sega. He never would have bought either if he didn’t already have unfettered access to my NES. With a few exceptions (Wonder Boy 3, Bonk’s adventure, Joe Montana Sportstalk Football) pretty much every game at the time that mattered was an exclusive NES property. Super Mario 1, 2, and 3. Tecmo Bowl. Contra. Metroid. Zelda 1 and 2. Mega Man. This is just a list of titles I’ve re-defeated in the last couple weeks. The NES also launched Castlevania, Final Fantasy, Ninja Gaiden, and Dragon Warrior. Plus, it’s the blog’s namesake. I had little recourse.

Meh, that’s long enough. No more lists today.

Dr. Kickass, get in the game. I know you’re busy, but post something video game related in the next 72 hours.

4 comments:

Aaron said...

re: TurboGrafx-16. Not true. I had one, too, and I loved Bonk's, Splatterhouse and whatever the Mortal Kombat ripoff was. Then came the Sega Genesis, and the TG16 limped off to wherever old consoles die. Good times.

P.S. Goldeneye is still my favorite multiplayer game ever.

jack said...

i must have misspent my youth because i don't recognize half of the systems you mention here...
shelby, the editor of the blog i contribute to, has done a lot of video game related research... you might be interested in these:

http://illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com/2009/09/8-bit-nintendos-greatest-hits.html

http://illogicalcontraption.blogspot.com/2009/12/8-bit-nintendos-greatest-hits-part-2.html

also, fans of mega man will probably enjoy the music of the protomen, who've created entire rock operas around the mega man story...
http://www.myspace.com/theprotomen

Jae-hak said...

wait what? rock operas around the Mega Man story? i love the Mega Man, but there's no story to it. Dr. L/Right built Mega Man. A Dub's dad built a bunch of stupid robots to take over the world. Mega Man defeats Old Man Wily. Repeat, 14 or so times.

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