Friday, May 14, 2010

Off the rails

I’m too lazy to clean my apartment tonight. Should I bring any girls home this weekend, they’ll just have to put up with dust on my floor and smudges on my coffee table.

I had this dream last night. I had a girlfriend in it, but the part of the girlfriend was played by the actress Sarah Chalke from Scrubs. It wasn’t a dream that Sarah Chalke was actually my girlfriend, but that she was playing the part of the girl that was. Later in the dream, we went to some sort of small time basketball game played in a high school gym, and for some reason Larry Bird was playing. Not Bird in his prime, but Bird now. I shouted insults at him, and he heard me, and I retracted them. We then yelled across the court at each other, while the game was being played, about how much we both hated the particular book that I was reading at the time.

I have no feelings for Larry Bird one way or the other in real life. Nor do I for Sarah Chalke for that matter. I am pretty sure that this was the first dream that I ever had that prominently involved two celebrities.

As you probably have guessed, this blog is going right off the rails tonight. I’m not even drunk, though I imagine I will be by the end of this.

I saw a Korean version of my elementary school principal Mr. Stauffer yesterday. Same build, same glasses, same face, same cheap grey suit. It was uncanny.

For my own amusement, I will now list a series of inside jokes regarding my friends. The trick? Each joke will only be one word. Also, I won’t name the friend. Some friends may be repeated. See how many you can recognize. Konkus. Toast. Intercept. Insert. Mexico. Welch. Keys. Ladyboy. Shorty. Rusky. Marquis. Pocahantas. Leavitt. Rupp. Horse. Ssob. Ditka. Pigeon. Book. Bundy’s. Drake. Kristov. Chenowith. King. Jackhammer. Iowa. Taco. Enron. Resourceful. 45. C. 75cents. Barton. 919. Toothbrush. Dunk. Ozarks. Fact.

If you happen to read this and I’m not personally acquainted with you, then a) sorry about the last paragraph, it must have been boring, b) thanks for reading, you rule, tell your friends! and c) sucka, there’s never a “c.”

I was talking to this girl at the bar the other day. Korean girl. Not the one I mentioned in the last post. She told me that I needed to learn Korean to understand Korean culture more. Korean culture? Quiz me, baby. Confucius, blood type, Super Junior, King Sejong, Dokdo, Starcraft, Admiral Yi, I’m on the motherfucker. Turns out I knew every answer to all her questions on Korean culture. Then, she started talking about the importance of family in Korea. See, here in the ROK, family is the most important thing. In fact, family is more important to Koreans than it is to any other nationality, thus spoke this chick. Horseshit, I said, because every nationality would say the same (okay, not us, and probably not the Canucks or the Brits or the Aussies). Every Italian person would say that family is more important in Italy than it is in any other nation. Ditto every Russian person, every Chinese person, you see where I’m going here. She agreed with this statement, but she said that the difference in Korea is that here, this statement of family mattering more than in any other country is actually true! Yeah baby, I retorted, but every Greek, Kyrg, or Congolese would feel that it’s actually true! about their own country. Anyway, I won the argument in fact, but not in theory. Long story short, I didn’t sleep with her, though I likely could have had only I agreed with her. Internet porn is the haven of the righteous.

I will now list five concerts that I didn’t see, but should have.

Mayhem - Lawrence, KS, 2002(ish) A Norwegian death metal band, throwing down quotes like “Jesus Christ was a goddamn fag” and “Satan will rule this town again.” I still quote it, even though I wasn’t there.

Fugazi, Bercy, Paris, 1999. Yeah, I saw Fugazi a year before that, but it was in fucking Olathe. Seeing them in Paris would have crushed that.

Nirvana - The Outhouse, Lawrence, 1990 (ish). Okay, I was in grade school and had never heard of Nirvana, and was in fact a big fan of Janet Jackson and MC Hammer at the time. It never could have come to pass that I would have gone, but it sure would have been awesome if I did.

Johnny Cash, anywhere, anytime. He must have played near a city I was living in at some point in my life.

Pearl Jam, Day on the Hill, Lawrence, 1992. I have no excuse. They show was free. My buddy Shane and I were too lazy to walk to the KU campus to see the show, and this in a year that Shane and I walked downtown (twice the distance from home to KU) pretty much every Saturday. I’ve since seen grainy Youtube footage of it - Eddie Vedder singlehandedly saved rock and roll on that day.

In this middle school class last week, the chapter we were covering was about lying. The chapter asked about common lies told by students or teachers or bosses or employees and whatnot. One question was to name a common lie that a husband may tell his wife. One middle school boy’s response “That woman is my co-worker.” Another question was what lies parents may tell their children. Another middle school boy: “I love you.”

Student gallows humor never fails to amuse me. I may have mentioned this before, but whenever a student is absent, this is the usual conversation. I will ask where Min-hee is today. One of the students will say “Oh, Min-hee die.” Really, that’s a shame, I will announce. What happened to poor Min-hee? “He bus hit.” “He the swimming, and the shark eat.” “He was shot.” “He have the cancer,” That’s just this week. The proverbial Min-hee has died more times than Kenny.

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