Friday, November 26, 2010

Hunt's Catsup

The North is at it again. Nobody understands them, because they don’t make any sense. They insist on thumping their chest with nationalist posturing dreck, yet the whole world knows that they couldn’t even keep the lights on without the aid of their southern neighbors. They insist on going their own way for the sake of going their own way, like a 14 year old goth kid. The only reason anybody pays any attention to their ridiculous behavior is due to their geographic location.

I speak, of course, of Canada.

Ah, the old misdirection. I can’t write another North Korean aggression piece. I just did that a couple months ago. Though the North is always crazy, Canada is always funny, and it’s been too long since I mentioned this.

Americans often don’t know much about Canada. As I’ve been in close proximity with this obscure people for years now, I feel I should enlighten my fellow Americans. Here are some fun facts:

-Canada doesn’t like when we call ourselves “Americans.” They consider North America to be a diverse continent, and not just the continent that America happens to be on (own). Clearly the Monroe Doctrine isn’t taught in Canadian schools.

-Whenever I hear somebody use the euphemism “North American,” I realize I’m dealing with a Canuck. This happens a lot here.

-Speaking of Canadian schools - they all insist on calling college “university,” apparently not realizing that this requires an extra three syllables. If you hear (and around Canadians, you will) “When I was in university eh...” then you got yourself a frigid pucksucker.

-100% of the Canadians I know don’t think they pronounce the word “about” in a wrong and hilarious manner. 87% of the Canadians I know do, in fact, use the hilarious and cliche pronunciation.

-Canadians also pronounce “pronunciation” as “pronounce-iation”

-Canadians insist that they have great beer, and ours is terrible. Then they use unfair comparisons, saying a random microbrew IPA from Edmonton is better than Bud Lite. Of course it’s better than Bud Lite. Canada has delicious beer, and an Alberta microbrew and a Colorado microbrew will be on a similar plane. Moosehead and Molson are no better than Bud or Coors. Miller destroys Moosehead.

-Canadians call kickball “soccer-baseball.” Let that sink in. Koreans refer to the game as foot-baseball. This is far better than soccer-baseball, especially considering the fact that Koreans don’t speak English, and Canadians theoretically do.

-Canadians insist on calling the letter “z” a zed. Then they insist that the rest of the world uses zed, blah blah blah, and that America changed it to zee to make it rhyme in the alphabet song. I have no idea if this is true, but if it is, isn’t that a totally logical reason to change the pronunciation? Seriously, on Canadian Sesame Street, does the song end qrs/tuv/wx/y and zed?

-In some parts of Canada, they call a backpack a packsack. A packsack. This sounds like a cousin of the teabag. I’m not making this up.

-Canadians think that Toronto is some sort of combination of New York, Babylon, Sodom, and London. Yesterday, my Canadian co-worker told me that Toronto has minorities, even black people. He said it with a sense of fear and awe. He also describes his hometown as “just outside Toronto,” and then clarifies it’s a 9 hour drive away.

-Canada insists on using British spelling, ie, theatre, harbour, organise. I suppose they have to, as the Queen of England is their official head of state, and if they decided to use superior American spelling, the queen could waltz in and take over.

-Canadians refer to a winter hat or stocking cap as a “toque.” I don’t know why they do this, or why they use such a complicated francophile spelling, as the word toque rhymes with kook. Hilariously, toque is also slang for a foreskin, and Canadians use it as an insult when they tire of “hoser.”

-Canadian Thanksgiving is in October. Even stranger, they refer to real Thanksgiving as “American Thanksgiving.” I presume Canadian Thanksgiving commemorates when Leif Ericson met the Eskimos.

I spent my Thanksgiving Saturday (we don’t get Thursday off since it ain’t Korean Thanksgiving) with a group of local whities, including a couple of Canadians. I’m as tired of the word “douchebag” as you are, but it’s the best word to describe the Canuck dude that was there. Actually, I’ll call him Toque. That shall be his name. Like any good Thanksgiving family dinner, Toque provided “the incident” by erupting and verbally abusing his girlfriend over a game of Jenga that he lost. Beyond that, he also went on a rant against football unprovoked and for no reason, and when the group was playing random hilarious 1 minute Youtube clips for lulz, he chose a 9 and a half minute video about hockey.

Toque also went on numerous xenophobic rants. One was premised in the fact that there were no Asian geniuses since Confucius. His argument was that no Asian person living in Asia had ever come up with any idea or invention that changed the world. My thought (that I sadly thought of later) was yo, Toque, you’re Canadian! What world-changing ideas have ever come from Canadians living in Canada? Canadians go with Alexander Graham Bell (a Scotsman by birth, not a native Canadian), yet for some reason Bell Labs and AT&T were established in New York City. James Naismith was a Canadian by birth, but invented basketball in Massachusetts, perfected it in Kansas, and is buried in Lawrence. No Canadian entertainer contributed anything to the zeitgeist before the day they moved to New York, LA, or Chicago (where they likely still live.) Even most Canadian hockey greats have spent their prime playing for American teams. The only pure Canadian invention that I can think of (ie, created by Canadians who lived in Canada when they invented it) is the Blackberry. I defy you to find one person who says the quality of his or her life is better because of a Blackberry.

Look, I’ve got some Canadian friends, some whom even come close to seeming like real people. I don’t dislike Canada or Canadians (except for Toque). Canada has a far superior health care system, third party candidates, loose weed laws, and a strong social conscience. I’d even consider moving there, if not for the weather. And the accent. And the soccer baseball. That’s a deal killer.


Jan said...

Very funny! But just remember, when you were 4, you insisted we call you Zed.

Paul said...

Or, was that Zeb, zeb the reb. I never did understand the boy.

Joe Kickass said...

I feel that it's my duty to clarify 'Merica, we use theater to describe the actual place (go to a movie theater) and theatre to describe the art (i was a theatre major).

Also, the best part of Windsor? You got out of Detroit.