Friday, November 19, 2010

Victimless Crime

An unexpected space, suddenly pitch black. I was hunkered down, and I didn’t expect the lights to go out. I didn’t expect this kind of darkness. I don’t know what was beyond my unlock-able half-door, a door that I had been holding closed with one hand while the other was otherwise occupied. I couldn’t hang out in this pitch black corner all night. I’m not the trappable type. I need to escape. But how? I couldn’t see the half door, only inches from my line of sight. Only one way out, really.

I stood up, glad to regain a standing position. Still pitch black. I let the un-lockable door latch go. I kicked the door open. The door hit somebody on the outside. The potential assailant cried out. The door swung slowly back toward me, bouncing off the unknown person. For good measure, I shoved the door, full force this time, right into this person, incapacitating him.

I jumped through the doorway. The corridor was still pitch black. I knew I was close to freedom, and I inched my way forward.

I felt I still wasn’t alone.

I moved blindly toward the faint glow in the background. I was near the exit of this hellish oubliette. As I approached the exit, my shoulder brushed that of another lurking stranger. I unleashed a swift elbow and felt ribs. The figure cried out and slumped toward the floor. My shot had been true.

I continued, unencumbered, and escaped the darkness.

I should also retell this story without all of the stylization.

So I was at Gorilla Bar in Hongdae last weekend. A Korean bar snack that I’d eaten earlier in the evening wasn’t agreeing with me. I tried to avoid it for some time, but at 3 a.m. or so, I had to evacuate.

I sat down on the much-to-be-desired (though far better than most in downtown Lawrence) shitter at Gorilla Bar. As noted, the shitter door didn’t lock, so I had to hold it closed throughout the process.

Mid-process, the lights went out. It really was pitch black.

I automatically assumed that the lights went out because of some sort of trickster. Most Korean bathrooms, for whatever reason, have their light switches outside of the door. I was instantly thrown into a rage.

I did kick my stall door open. Urinals, as you may expect, were on the other side of the stall, and my stall door did hit some random guy pissing in the far urinal. In my wrathful and slightly drunken state, I automatically assumed that this guy had something to do with the lights going out, so I did shove the door into him again. While washing my hands, another guy did enter my personal space, in the pitch black, and I assumed he also had to do with the lights going out. I got a pretty good rib shot on him.

When I actually left the bathroom, I noticed a maintenance guy working on the bulb. The light probably didn’t go out because of any foul play, but rather because of electrical issues.

Meh. In the end, I have no regrets. Seeing other random dudes at this bar later, I can say for sure that each and every one of them deserved an elbow in the ribs or worse. I’m also glad to learn that my instinctual response in a pitch-black bathroom is to go Rambo on everyone (glad it wasn’t Commando). Plus, as Nelson Muntz said, punching someone in the dark is a victimless crime.


Jack said...

A) a bar with a maintenance guy? whoa, was the queen of england there too?

B) you made me read oubliette for a story about you in the john? thanks.

Joe Kickass said...

Note to self. If the lights go out, quickly escape out the window to avoid injury from Rambo.