Monday, May 16, 2011

Don't be a Hater Hater.

Time to talk about some of the dregs of life.

The five worst presidents ever:

5. Reagan. Fiddled while America’s cities burned. If you lived in central Chicago, New York, Los Angeles, Philadelphia, Miami, et al in the Reagan era, there’s a good chance you were murdered. Funded Osama. Did other bad stuff, I’m too lazy to argue this, but you know I’m right.

4. John Adams. Alien and Sedition Acts. One of the most fascist moves in US history. Plus, he was a one termer between Washington and Jefferson and had far worse hair.

3. Grover Cleveland (first term). He made up for it the second time around though.

2. William Henry Harrison. Way to die in 30 days, asshole. This forced us into 4 years of Tyler-nomics.

1. W. I’m sure you saw that coming.

Honorable mention - Warren G. Harding, only because most historians claim him to be the worst. He didn’t make the list because his ineptitude was pretty funny.

The five worst Nintendo games ever:

5. The Legend of Kage. Horrible. 4 levels. At least it only took 20 minutes to beat the first time through.

4. RBI Baseball. It lead the way for lots of bullshit non-authorized games from Tengen and various Bible-centric companies. Also, My cousin Adam was really into it before I had a NES, and I was such a Nintendo obsessed little kid that I could watch Adam play games for hours. RBI Baseball was way more boring to watch than Zelda or Mario 2.

3. Goonies 2. There was no Goonies 2 movie, so why the hell was there a game? This game was completely impossible, the mazes never ended. Playing this game at my buddy Daniel’s house caused me to be way late getting home, and I lied to my mom blaming daylight savings time switch. Sadly, it was the wrong clock switch.

2. Ninja Gaiden. This game actually kicks ass, but the final boss is IMPOSSIBLE. When you lose to him, you go all the way back to 6.1. The first time this happened to me, it was the first time that I legitimately considered killing myself in real life as a result of a video game.

1. Deadly Towers. Were they even trying? Why did my brother an I rent this game so often? Stupid Funtime Video,

The five worst casinos I can think of offhand:

5. Monte Carlo, Monaco. One chip cost $90 on the low stakes Blackjack table. I only had enough money for one. I got 11 with the dealer showing 6. I couldn’t double down as I didn’t have another chip. I got a 10 of course. Bah.

4. The Venetian, Vegas - I just always lose here.

3. O’Shay’s, Vegas. This place is horrible. The opposite of Monte Carlo. I should have known what I was getting into when I played $1 Blackjack. Idiots splitting 10s, hitting a 15 against a 6, staying on a 12 against an ace, every bad move you can think of.

2. Argosy Casino, Kansas City. Maybe it wasn’t the best place to go the night after a break up. Whatever, I still blame the house.

1. Kangwon Land, South Korea. No booze. Not for free. Not for pay. Unreal.

The five worst U.S. states*:

5. Oregon. They don’t let you pump your own gas. That freaks me out. New Jersey doesn’t either, but it’s easy to gas up in Delaware and skip filling up in Jersey. Oregon is too big to do the same, you have to get gas.

4. Ohio. Contributed a lot of bad presidents. Always takes longer to drive across than it seems like it should, and the drive is always really boring. Ohio’s only good contributions? Skyline Chili, roller coasters, the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, and my buddy Eric.

3. North Carolina. Everything it knows about basketball was learned or stolen from Kansas and Indiana. Yet, somehow, it remains the superior Carolina.
2. South Carolina. A state who’s primary tourist attraction is a giant truck stop that sells fireworks.

1. Texas. What are you dickeweeds gonna do? I’m messin’ with ya.

- Honorable mentions: Alaska (that woman), Hawaii (hippies), California (secret homophobes), Nevada (almost elected that psycho), Wyoming (Cheney), Utah (Malone), Idaho (Craig), Arizona (old farts, batshit insanity), New Mexico (there’s a New Mexico?), Oklahoma (meth heads), Colorado (yuppies), Nebraska (traitors), Alabama (only pronounce 2 syllables of their state), Mississippi (#50 in most every US state ranking), Tennessee (killed MLK and Elvis), Kentucky (birthplace of school shootings), Wisconsin (only because of the ketchup thing), Georgia (Newt), Florida (2000), Delaware (state of DuPont), New York (99.9% of the state’s landmass doesn’t matter), Connecticut (maybe #6, fuck them), Vermont (Canada), Maine (too many white people), Massachusetts (Sawks), New Hampshire (There’s a New Hampshire?).

* As Grandpa Simpson said, Missouri is not a state. Missouri can take pride in being wanted by neither the Union nor the Confederacy. Fuckers burned my town because they thought owning people was cool.

Five worst bars:
5. John Barleycorn, Lincoln Park, Chicago. I went to this bar with (over 21) kids from Michigan, Iowa, and other midwestern states. Everyone was carded. All the other out-of-state peeps got in fine. I got stopped with my (legal) Kansas ID. It was scanned, photographed, and various bosses had to come check it out, like I was trying to to get in with a Liechtenstein ID. Once I got in, it was douche central.

4. Padonia Station, Baltimore burbs. The Baltimore burbs are a terrible place to try to meet girls if one is over 22. 104% of the single, college graduate, attractive girls that hail from suburban Baltimore move downtown, or to New York or DC by age 22 and a half. Sausage fest every night.

3. This joint by the Hofbrau Haus, Munich, Germany. I don’t remember its name. It sucks, and it costs like a million dollars to drink there. Stick to HB.

2. Quinton’s, Lawrence, Kansas. In 2009, I did a Mass Street tour, where I hit every downtown Lawrence Bar in one go. It was a hell of a run. It turned out that, in the right state of mind, even bars that I presumed would suck (like Fatso’s or the Taproom or Joe Schmoe’s) could be fun. Quinton’s was the one exception. I felt 100 years old, and I feel like I would have felt that way if I were 19.

1. Metropolis, Seoul. I haven’t been in a year. Of the five bars I mentioned, it’s the only one I wouldn’t step foot in now.

Top five worst fast food joints:

5. Hardee’s. For being so delicious, yet so rare.

4. Burger King. Never a fave of mine, yet if it’s the closest fast food joint to me, I’ll eat it, which sucks.

3. Quick Burger. It isn’t.

2. Lotteria. Horrible burger. Bad fries. Wretched ketchup. Good chicken strips though.

1. Long John Silver. Seriously horrible.

Good times, eh? I predict a sequel at some point.

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