Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Dork. Geek. Nerd. Wanker. Turdburgler. Etc...



New! Check out the female-centric sequel here!

Wow, I go anecdotal for a post and this blog gets creamed! It’s amazing how many people didn’t check out my last post. Message received. Tonight, I’m ditching the narrative and going mass market. Am I selling out? Um, where can I sign up?

Small backstory - a buddy at work and I were trying to explain to a Korean co-worker what a “dork” is. I decided to Google “dork,” and the first picture that I came across was pretty hilarious, and is the pic that leads off this post.

Who is this poor bastard? Does he know that he has the first non-produced picture that comes up on Google Images when somebody searches for dork? If he does, is he happy about it? I can’t decide if I would be horrified or if I would be overjoyed if it happened to me.

Basically, the rules of the game here are to google various insults, then post the first legit picture of a person that comes up. I avoided demotivationals and other memes, and I skipped celebrities, at least to the best of my knowledge. Who is the biggest fuckwad on the internet? The head nerd? The chief chode? Lets find out.




Wanker



Turdburgler


Scumbag


Nerd


Loser


Fuckwad


Cuntrag


Douchebag


Lamo


Asshole


Chode


Fucktard


The pictures in this post, by the way, come with no permission whatsoever. I'm a lazy asshole, so I couldn't be bothered to cite all my sources. If I stole your shit, I apologize. Don't worry, based on my last post, only four people will see this anyway.

Friday, August 19, 2011

The long arm of Thai Law

I had a hell of a week on the escaping the law tip. I’ve had two pretty solid events, and that’s not even counting the jaywalking, street drinking, and tax fraud that I commit on a daily basis.

First off, to my parents: skip this post. Just skip it. You don’t want to read it. If you do read it, I don’t want to hear about it. Make it easy and click on a “best of” link on the left side toolbar. Seriously.

Alright, I assume that worked.

I ended a recent post with a pretty awesome pun about the long arm of Thai Law. In my last full day in Bangkok, I did in fact have a run in with the law, sorta.

I got off a canal boat near Siam Square, and I was heading to the BTS Skytrain to go back to my hotel and to drink with my friends.

I’m not that regular a smoker and I frequently jump off the wagon. However, in Bangkok, I smoked all the time, just like everyone else. I feel fine mentioning this fact, as I’m sure my parents respected my wishes and stopped reading.

Anyway, as I neared the Skytrain station, I flicked my butt, just like always, unless I’m in the woods or something. I walked up onto the skybridge to the train platform, and some guy in an official looking uniform stopped me. I was wearing headphones, a Kia Tigers hat, and sunglasses and wearing my backpack. I had no idea why he stopped me.

“Where you come from?”

I took this for an English lesson. “The canal boat.” I replied.

“You threw a cigarette.”

“Did I?” I’m not going to do this in dialogue. The dude pulled me aside and made me sit sown, and his friend in a similar uniform showed up. They said that I would have to pay a 2,000 baht fee, around $70, an outrageous price in Thailand. Hell, the fine for smoking in the subway in Korea is $30, and Korea is a much richer country, and nobody would ever smoke in the subway anyway.

They asked my name, when I was leaving, and where I was staying. I evaded answering any of these questions. I said that I had learned my lesson and I wouldn’t toss cig butts anymore. Also, I was never sure if they were legit or scammers, so I didn’t want to pay. Plus, I didn’t want to pay. They told me Bangkok was like Singapore, “same -same,” and that litter laws were harsh. I've been to Singapore. Bangkok is a lot of things, but it has next to nothing in common with Singapore.

At some point, the guy (security guard I guess) tipped his hand and said that he would call the police if I didn’t pay. Ah, so you aren’t the police! He asked me to sign a paper admitting guilt, and I scribbled a false signature. I never gave my name or ID or anything. I asked if I could call my friend for advice. They saw my iPod and mistook it for a phone, but I said I could only call with wifi, which was unavailable where we sat. They told me to go downstairs to collect my cig butt.

I went downstairs. I searched a long time for my butt, but it had clearly blown away. I found a cigarette butt and made a big production about picking it up. I don’t know if they were still watching me, but they were obviously still upstairs and a bit far behind me.

I made a break to the north, the way I had come from. 3 minutes later, I was back at the canal. I crossed under the main road at the canal bridge. I was sure I didn’t have a tail, so while under the bridge I took the opportunity to remove my hat and sunglasses to throw them in my pack, and I started carrying my backpack like a brief case. On the other side of the road, I cut into the mall, the Siam Paragon. I walked through the mall and took an alternate route onto the subway. Really, I probably should have just taken a motorcycle taxi, but I also wanted to do this on my own.

Three stops later, I was home, and scott free. The next day, I was in Hong Kong, then Seoul, fully out of the woods.

A few nights later, some friends and I went to Monkey Beach, a club in Apgujeong, Seoul. I had beer for dinner at a local bar beforehand, so I was pretty liquored up by the time we left. I was wearing flip-flops. A few girls in my group were too, but clubs in Seoul tend to either forbid flip-flops or allow them regardless of gender. Not Monkey Beach. At Monkey Beach, girls with flip-flops are cool, dudes ain’t. Strange, since it’s a Thai themed club, and everyone wears flip flops in Thailand.

I tried to get in anyway, of course. The door guy stopped me. Other friends of mine went in after me. The guy still wouldn’t let me in. “Wait here,” he said. For what? At first, I thought there would be some kind of resolution, but apparently he meant for me to wait until my friends wanted to leave the club in a few hours.

Anyway, as my friends are all rock stars, at some point one of them comes back to the door holding shoes. I put them on and gave him my flip flops. He was still wearing shoes. I had no ida whose shoes I had.

The door guy asked me where I got the shoes. A friend, I said, but I have no idea who. I guess my friend had extra shoes. Three door guys immediately shined their flashlights on the floor and walked into the club. Who knew this was such a major transgression?

Turns out it was my buddy Dong Ho who spotted me the shoes. We traded back in the bathroom, and I got in line to buy him a bucket, along with one for me. I never did get kicked out.

The lesson? Jaehak 2, Comeuppance 0.

Monday, August 15, 2011

BaKK to the BKK


I recently took a short trip to Bangkok.

The trip kicked off with an Incheon Airport party. I headed to the airport with my friend and co-worker Megan, then met Martin and Kiki there later. All of us were flying out to different places at the same time. I kicked off something of a marathon booze day with a Bloody on the way to the airport.

I am the goddamn mayor of ICN Airport. Two important things to know: If one is at the airport early with time to kill, the thing to do is go down to arrivals to hit up Family Mart for normal priced beers. Also, if there is a long check-in line and you aren’t checking a bag and there’s no automated kiosk for your airline, do like me - march up to Business Class check-in like General Sherman and don’t ask questions. Save 40 minutes of wait. Win. That 40 minutes can be spent at Family Mart.




My flight stopped in Hong Kong, which I didn’t know would happen until I boarded. I guess it’s hard to focus on the details when booking a flight 32 hours in advance. Stopping at HKG, this year’s top ranked airport in the world, is mildly inconvenient verses a direct flight, but still not a bad situation. There are downsides to my current life and work, but definitely one of the upsides is knowing exactly where to go for a beer and a snack on a surprise visit to HKG. It’s way more fun knowing my way around ICN and HKG than KCI and BWI.




My first night in town, I had an epic night hanging out with my buddy Scottie. I think we went to every single bar in Bangkok, all the while making obscure KU Basketball references and jokes about Dylan and Daniel. Somehow, this picture of a Family Mart was the only one I took all night, which was probably for the best.




The next day, Sunday, I took a hungover trip through Old Bangkok. Here is one of the many canals.



Here is Chinatown, looking pretty Chinese with it’s long overhead signs.



Hua Lamphong Train Station. It was here that I realized how impossible it would be to get out of town on a 4 night trip. Train rides anywhere cool were in the 14 hour range. The flags were at half staff because the princess of Thailand had just died. Don’t freak out, she was like 85.




On Monday, I made use of the canals on the boats. During the day, canals are the way to go on the old side of the city. Boats cost 35 cents or so and they are far faster than a taxi in the eternal traffic jam that is Bangkok.



On Scottie’s recommendation, I headed for the tallest building in Thailand, Baiyoke Tower. I probably could have chosen a less overcast day. Oh well.



View from the tower - roadgeek porn.



After the tower, I headed to Khao San Road to shop, hit up my favorite Phad Thai stand in the world (which used to be one dude, a wok, and a couple stools, but is now almost a full-fledged restaurant), and to throw back a beer or seven.



More Khao San



This guy has a collar, so he may not be stray. Still, It’s worth noting that Bangkok has arguably the nicest dogs in Southeast Asia. Strays are everywhere, but they hang out together and they all seem happy. They trot down the street, they wag their tails, and I’ve never seen one in a foul mood. In Malaysia and Bali, I’ve run into absolutely terrifying stray dogs.



No surprise, a few Korean fiefdoms were around. Korean pop culture was everywhere, actually. When Scottie and I went to a mall to eat, we heard nothing but K-Pop. Even a large share of the commercials I saw were Korean, but dubbed in Thai.



On Tuesday, I passed the robot building. Seriously awesome.



Wat Arun. I passed it on the river boat but didn’t get out, since I already went a couple years ago. Making a stop could have cut into valuable drinking time.


My hotel. Kidding, kidding. The place I stayed in 2007 wasn’t much better though.



South Bangkok is burning! I never did find out what this was all about, as I left the next day.



Soi Cowboy.

I ended the trip on a literal all night rager with a couple buddies of mine from Seoul that were also in town. I don’t think I’ve had a true all-nighter in a while. Sure, I’ve been out until 6 or 7 or 8 plenty of times in Seoul, but I always went to sleep after that. This time, I headed for the airport and really didn’t get any sleep at all until midnight the following night. Two things about this all nighter:

- I’ll go ahead and strongly recommend my hotel, the Siam Inn. Great location at Sukhumvit Soi 8, nice enough room, and an awesome staff. I requested a wake-up call at 6:45 to catch my flight. Even though the front desk staff saw me trudge into the hotel at 6:30, they still made the call.

- At this point of the trip, I was, like an AFC East wide receiver a decade ago, on the run from the long arm of Thai Law. More on this next time.

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Rick Perry and Kim Jong Il: Assholes

Goddamn Texans and North Koreans.

Didn't we do this dance last year?

Texas A&M is considering moving to the SEC.



North Korea
is rattling the sabre again.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't I single-handedly resolve similar Big 12 and North Korea issues last year?

Get with the fucking program.




Thursday, August 4, 2011

Get off my lawn!

I’m an old bastard. I felt old when I turned 22. I worked with, and largely hung out with people that were older than me when I was 24. Nowadays, I feel younger and am in better shape than when I was, say, 26. I frequently stay out later than I did when I was 21, although I pay a larger price if I do it two nights in a row. Still, I’ve taken on a strange sort of elder statesman role, both in age and experience. I’ve been in Korea for longer than most everyone I know here, and pretty much all of them are considerably younger than me. Hell, several of my new friends here never had to live with the anguish of a Taco Bell-less Korea. I’m not the old guy at the club, not yet, but I am the old guy at the table.

Here are some signs of my advancing age:

- An American co-worker of mine didn’t get a Zubaz reference I made.

- While I never owned any Zubaz myself, I did have a Hypercolor shirt that I used to rock with my teal Umbro shorts.

- I consider Nicktunes like “Doug” to be new school Nicklodeon.

- I went to the Noraebang last week, and the newest song I chose came out in 1997.

- A buddy of mine wearing a bandana didn’t get my “Freedom Rock” joke.

- I fondly remember the Arch Deluxe.

- My first email address? vkpg13c@prodigy.com.

- My first computer had a one gig hard drive.

- I (frequently) used pay phones when they cost a quarter.

- I’ve smoked cigarettes at restaurants in California, in American airports, and inside the mall. Legally.

- I’ve spent Lira, Francs, Guilders, Pesetas, and Deutsche Marks.

- I saw the Kansas City Royals win the World Series (on TV).

- I’ve seen Joe Montana, Michael Jordan, and Bo Jackson play live.

- I own (and wear) articles of clothing that are older than any of my students.

- I saw the Wall come down, narrated by Tom Brokaw.

- The last multi-player video game that I was any good at was Goldeneye.

- I graduated college without ever sending a text message.

- I dove off the high dive. Thanks, lawyers. I’m sure the pool is just as awesome these days.

- I’ve flown on America West, Midway Airlines, and TWA.

- I never masked a Zima in a Crystal Pepsi bottle, but I could have. That would have ruled.

- I owned an Emerson walkman.

- Hell, I owned a 10 gig greyscale clickwheel iPod.


- I watched Saved By The Bell at 10 a.m. on Saturday mornings.


So, do I begrudge the young for being young? No way. While I don’t miss one gig hard drives or pay phones, I generally pity the youth for missing out on all this awesomeness. Do I want to go back to the old days? Sure, I’d go back to being 21 and living in Paris any second of the day. Would I want to go back to being 25 and working as a phone slinger? Never. I suppose it helps that I’m richer and more handsome than I was then. Plus, I could easily out-drink, out-walk, out-cred, or out-argue most any “millennial” that I know, then totally destroy them at Goldeneye for good measure.

Till next time, I’m out like Zubaz.
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