It seems this blog has grown fallow, much like it did 4 years ago. Once again, it’s going to take, ugh, the Grammys to get back to writing.
If you missed my Grammy post 4 years ago, check it here. I can almost certainly assure you that it will be better than today’s. In that post, I did not know who Adele or Taylor Swift were going into the show. Well, my knowledge of current pop music hasn’t particularly improved over the intervening years. I’ve only gotten older and more out of touch.
Case in point - Taylor Swift opened the show. I knew the song, but I didn’t know her by sight. My 60-something mother and stepdad watched the open with me, and they did know her. I’m that far behind.
First up, it’s Elton John and some dude! Yep, that’s how this thing is gonna go. I swear I’ll come up with a couple of jokes along the way that don’t focus on my total lack of knowledge of current popular music.
What? Pitbull speaks Spanish? Who knew? I wish I could have gambled that “Pitbull would speak Spanish while presenting at the Grammys,” but no casino would give odds on such an easy bet. It’s like betting that Dan Dierdorf won’t use a triple negative, or that I won’t full-on rip off Bill Simmons in a Grammy blog post. I’m pretty sure Pittbull must be the most hated person presenting. Of course, it’s early.
I could never take fun. seriously, just because of their stupid non-capitalization. e.e. cummings wants his schtick back.
John Mayer. Just kill me. Already someone more hateable than Pittbull presents. At least I’m dealing with Kettel One tonight rather than the rotgut bourbon I drank four years ago.
Dirk Bently and Miranda Lambert. I have no idea if I even got those names right, and I don’t care. I never realized I’d slide so easily into my geriatric unrepentant ignorance of pop music. Of course, I did spend most of 2012 in Asia, so I didn’t hear a whole lot of pop-country there. I imagine I’ll be more knowledgeable than usual on club songs.
Now it’s time for the country award! I’m not really sure what makes any of those songs “country,” they sound as dance-poppy as anything else. Carrie Underwood wins. Yay, the only one I’ve heard of! I’m not really sure why I’ve heard of her though, I could not name a single song of hers. Did she do a gum commercial? That must be it.
I almost rewound to watch a Surface commercial, just because they (Surfaces, not commercials) look kinda cool. Then I realized that it wouldn’t tell me anything about the product, but just have some random idiots throwing them around.
Fun. is back. They were sitting right by Lena Dunham. Strange, because “Girls” is literally on right now on HBO.
Hmm. it seems Johnny Depp really thinks that he is a pirate now. I’m guessing a whole lot of other people made that same joke.
The Mumford Sons. (note - I didn’t realize until later in the show that they are called Mumford and Sons. I’m just diving right into my old man phase, calling bands by the wrong name and everything). I know that they are heavy favorites to win a lot tonight. Full confession - I’d never heard of them up until today, and this is the first I’ve seen of them. I’ve heard this before though. I get it, decent.
So Pepsi has a commercial for Beyonce? Her tickets must be selling just fine without an expensive national commercial.
Lots of commercials! DVR is the only way to go. I’m glad I gave the Grammys a two hour lead.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever seen a pair of presenters have less chemistry than Ellen and Beyonce. That was painful to watch.
I’m interested to check out the new Timberlake song. It’s the first I’ve seen of it. First off - I don’t like the Sepia camera filter, it feels forced. It’s a fine effect for a music video, but shouldn’t a live show try to replicate an in-person performance? I think Timberlake’s hairstyle could best be described as “the Reagan.”
Meh, it didn’t do anything for me. I was looking forward to that too. Bummer.
Frank Ocean wins. I don’t know the song, but it’s fun to cheer against Chris Brown. Pitbull and John Mayer can stand down. The contest is over, Chris Brown is easily the most hated person in the room, or most any room.
Ah, Dave Grohl and that punk rock chick from some crappy CBS show. I never quite got her. I’ve known a lot of punk rock chicks in my day, and none of them keep the same hairstyle for 9 years or however long her show has been on. The Black Keys win, as well they should.
Maroon 5 and Alicia Keys. Wow, two acts that I know! Of course, I don’t care for either, so it’s time to fast forward.
See, this is why I don’t watch The Big Bang Theory. The hot chick from the show is always wearing way too much. Oh, and it kinda sucks. God I hate CBS.
Kelly Clarkson wins. She’s talented of course, but this song is crazy generic.
Why does LL want me to tweet about the Grammys so badly? I’m more one for tweeting random shit that I find at Best Buy, like a singing Psy toothbrush.
Now it’s Rihanna. I like Rihanna, even though she’s clearly an idiot. I think I dig her because I was right about her. I saw her first video on MTV back in ‘06 and was all, this kid has moxie, she’s gonna go places, see?
The fact that Carley Rae Jepson is a nominee is evidence that we, as a people, are very stupid.
Best speech of the night by Jay-Z. “I would like to thank the swap meet for his hat.” The Boyz N The Hood cap The Dream was wearing was pretty dope. And yes, I had to google to find out The Dream’s name.
Kat Dennings. I wish that “Two Broke Girls” was even moderately watchable and not totally awful, since I’d like more Kat Dennings in my life.
I’m about an hour behind real time as I watch and type this. I just noticed that I can already download tonight’s Black Keys performance, which is on my TV and partway through right now. The internet rules.
This is why I don’t understand gun nuts and survivalists. If zombies or the Soviet Union invade and we’re left with a post-apocalyptic hellscape with no wifi, I’d just as well be dead.
Best Country Album. I’m cheering against Hunter Hayes. I know nothing of him, but I don’t like his name or his hair. Ah, he lost, Zack Brown won. Fat guys with beards. Much better.
New slot machines, maybe at the airport - a news promo I just saw. I have a flight tomorrow - can you put them in tonight?
Hmm, a tribute to Bob Marley. I just spent 6 months in hostels in Southeast Asia, I feel like I’m already good on Bob Marley covers.
Wait - Bruno Mars isn’t doing a song off “Legend”! He’s doing his own song, and he’s killing it!
Ah, once we get into the Marley, of course we’re going with one off “Legend.” No surprise I guess. At least they didn’t go with something super overplayed like Buffalo Soldier or One Love.
The Lumineers. I’ve seen them before. It was either on SNL, or at a bar in Lawrence.
So Jack White has gone solo, yet his band as a soloist is much larger than The White Stripes. That one is going straight to the act.
Ah Katy Perry. As I said a long time ago, her primary talent is as a tit delivery system.
Fun wins best new artist. Wow, in just a year, they’ve gone from unknown to Taco Bell corporate shill. Then again, I shill for Taco Bell for free, so who am I to judge?
Hunter Hayes has until the end of this sentence to impress me, or I’m skipping ahead. He failed.
So did Carrie Underwood. Moving on...
“Let’s go Crazy for the Artist Forever known as Prince,” LL says. So the 90’s don’t count as part of forever? Blasphemy.
Gotye won for Record of the year. If you are reading this, you unquestionably know this already. Unless, maybe, I have readers that are so cool, they come to my blog to get Grammy news, but never bother with other more immediate, more informed media sources beforehand. Wow, I suddenly feel so influential. Maybe I should take this more seriously and put down the Ketel One. On second thought... (if this were TV and not a blog, there would have definitely been a freeze - frame after a fist pump instead of an ellipsis).
Oh god, it’s Seacrest. I guess we all knew this douchearama was coming soon. Interesting note - I thought I just now made up the the term “douchearama,” yet it passed my spell check unmolested.
In Memoriam. Here we go. Andy Williams died? Oh no, I had an Andy Williams joke in my 2009 Grammy post! I guess I also had a slew of Whitney Houston jokes. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I’m going to hell, I just hope to catch the express train rather than the local. The layovers in Atlanta and Dallas could be worse than the final destination anyway.
It was a light year for In Memoriam, which is always good. The biggest stars to die this year were Donna Summer and MCA. While that’s significant, of course, there wasn’t a huge story in rock and roll death this year, no Johnny Cash or Sinatra, no Beatles, no MJ, no Whitney. Based on law of averages, I’m guessing there will be a couple major or shocking pop deaths in the coming year. I sure hope Chris Brown is one of them.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome tonight’s winner for best Latin pop al... SKIP!!! SKIP!!!
This Frank Ocean performance is pretty cool. Have I heard of Frank Ocean before? I’m sure you can figure that out.
Here comes Adele! If there is one thing we have learned in the last year, it’s that a white chick is putting money into a juke box means there is a 100% chance an Adele song is coming.
Album of the Year - for the 97 people out there who still buy full albums. I lament the fall of the album as a mass-appreciated art form, and I miss buying full albums. Lots of my favorite songs are deep cuts. Still, it’s almost strange that Album of the Year is the biggest Grammy when nobody buys them anymore. It’s like if the Oscars finished up with Best Silent Film.
Chuck D! Chuck D! I’ve got to just shut up and watch this.
Meh, I don’t like Chuck D just doing the first line from Welcome to the Terrordome as a chorus, I want to see him do more, not just support LL’s apparent comeback.
WTF? Now we get Delta and Hilton ads tacked into the closing performance? Like there weren’t enough commercials in the show without that? You suck, CBS. You remain my least-favorite network.
My final take - the show was a worthwhile endeavor in the end, at least for me. See, I heard this Mumford and Sons song at a roof party in Dumaguete, Philippines a few months ago, but I’d forgotten about it. I didn’t hear it on the show tonight, but the Mumfords live set reminded me of it. Google a lyric, find out the name of the track, download it, done. I got to think about a happy time for three minutes, which has always been the highest calling of pop music.